Monthly Archives: January 2016

Louis C.K.’s Horace and Pete

Louis C.K. surprised most fans today with a simple email.

Hi there.

Horace and Pete episode one is available for download.  $5.

Go here to watch it.

We hope you like it.

Regards,

Louis

That was it. So in case you were wondering what it was I watched it.

Horace and Pete is about two brothers named Horace and Pete played by Louis C.K. and Steve Buscemi. It’s an hour long play. It’s more drama than comedy so if you go in thinking it will be like “Louie” you will be disappointed. The laughs are far and few between, with most of them supplied by an angry old Pete played by Alan Alda.

I call it a play because it’s acted like one with dramatic stage/theatre acting (re: think Birdman) and it acts like one with an intermission in the middle of the episode. The main story is set in a single day, and all the events leading up to a meeting Horace and Pete have with their sister (played by Edie Falco). What comes before are random interactions with the customers and so forth. There to pad the time and break up the main story with social commentary. Usually centered on politics. First is a patron who probably makes the most logical argument for voting for Trump, and, later on, Nick Dipaolo plays Nick Dipaolo a conservative ADA for New York City, who argues with a hipster liberal with a guy intermediating between them. The gist of the conversation is if both sides view each other as inferior with nothing to add then there is no hope for either side to make any agreement on anything.

For an hour long play it kind of drags and the best part of the show are Alan Alda. It is a show much like this site. I’m learning my way around blogging and running a website as much as I think Louis C.K is stretching his artistic wings branching out a bit. It is at times pretty raw like as I am prone to have a spelling or grammar mistake some actors and actresses flub a line in the show. Overall I think it is a brave endeavour, and it has its flaws. Spending $5 here is more about supporting the artist for the effort than it is paying for the content as the writer is still finding himself in the process.

Whether you a fan of the game or just of game day food, there no denying the appeal of football cuisine. For this month recommendations, I set out to assemble an all star lineup of the best of Food Network Library tailgating cookbooks. I fast found myself slipping down a rabbit hole into a vast and unfamiliar world of community cookbooks devoted to collegiate tailgating a world where the NCAA begins to look like one massive Junior League that as devoted to recipes as to pass receptions.. Students pass Watts Hall as they return to class following an attack at The Ohio State University campus the previous day, Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2016, in Columbus, Ohio. Investigators are looking into whether a car and knife attack at Ohio State University that injured several people was an act of terror. It’s not what you like to see at a game. But at least someone finally gave a hoot about soccer. I feel proud. Warner isn’t the first “Cosby Show” alum to speak about the sexual assault allegations. Phylicia Rashad gave a controversial interview to Showbiz 411 earlier this month. When asked about the allegations, she was reported to have said “forget these women.” Rashad later told ABC News she was misquoted: “That is not what I said. They weigh from about 16 ounces to 21 ounces. Usually you can find the weight somewhere along the cheap oakleys sunglasses base of them. If you can’t cheap nfl jerseys find Cheap Jerseys it just pick up a few and you can tell that some are light and some are heavy. There will be a lot of autographs to sign in the doorway of the hotel, cheap oakleys at the circuit, etc. It all adds to the workload. Of course I’m proud to be the focus of all this attention. 1. Terrific for power development because it requires you to produce and apply force rapidly and explosively. Activation in the lower body muscles including the glutes, hamstrings, quads, and calves reaches very impressive levels, which leads to increases in lean muscle mass and power, said Fake ray bans Arizona based biomechanics expert Bret Contreras, CSCS.. As you do this, take a step forward with your lead leg (left leg), making sure that you step towards the reciever. You want to take an average step forward. Do not try to force a big step because it will not give you much extra strength. I’m going to turn to the side and oakley sunglasses outlet I’m going to sit in a position where my knees are bent slightly and I’m leaning backward. It’s very important in my back handspring that I push off my toes last rather than first. If I push them off them first, I’m cheap jordan going to throw my hips forward and I’m going to really under cut my back handspring.

Is Billions Worth It?

Is there anything so prophetic about a channel than this gif?

Dexter fall

Showtimes shows have a tendency to start out at a reasonable pace and then things spin out of control until we are laughing at something that should be serious. Dexter, Homeland, Weeds, House of Lies the list goes on. They all have this chip on their shoulder that eats away at their authenticity. The shows scream “look at me, I’m edgy like HBO” and yet the shows seem to force their way into dramatic or taboo territory rather than walk into it naturally. And for as many good things there are about Billions you can already see the hints it can and will get ridiculous. What is below is a bit of a write-up/primer on the first two episodes. some information could be spoilers I try not to reveal too much of the bigger twists. but Be warned if you don’t like any spoilers don’t read too much of this article.

Billions, pits two great actors Damian Lewis and Paul Giamatti against each other in a fascinating game of cat and mouse.

Damian Lewis (Life, Band of Brothers, Homeland) is Bobby “Axe” Axelrod, the streetwise self-made billionaire hedge fund manager. To make his self-starting ways even more “heroic” he is the sole survivor of 9/11. He has his hands in a lot of sketchy insider trading deals, bribing CEO, etc. Will we see at the end of the season the “Axe” actually knew about the attacks that day and shorted stocks before skipping the meeting that killed his coworkers? I don’t know I have seen a few Showtime shows and that “twist” I can see coming a mile away, call it Checkov’s kids of dead partners getting full college tuition. Don’t get me wrong Damian absolutely chews up the scene everytime he’s there. He also gets quite a few of the best lines. “Whats the point of having ‘fuck you’ money” if you don’t use it to say fuck you?” and in the second episode where he absolutely verbally destroys a rival. There will be an interesting dynamic here you will have to ask yourself, who is he actually hurting with his insider trading? If he is using his riches to take a few trust fund douches and old money assholes down a peg isn’t he a Wall Street hero? And Damian Lewis is just so damn charismatic you wanted to cheer for him in the first 2 seasons on Homeland too.

Paul Giamatti (Shooter, John Adams, Sideways) plays US Attorney Chuck Rhodes, he has a perfect record and likes to tell everyone how he plays 3-D chess. You are first introduced to him as he is tied up with a dominatrix woman putting out a cigarette on him and then cooling it off by pissing on him. That is the first scene in the show. Chuck is a formidable foe to “Axe” and knows how to manipulate events and people just as much as “Axe” does. The first episode has him sentence an old acquaintance of his extremely rich and powerful father who he has a strange relationship with. So far the show is basically Paul chasing Damian by setting up traps and Damian setting up his own traps to counter him only to have Paul see they are traps and try to use that trap against him. It is fun to watch because they are both great actors.

Behind each powerful men is a powerful woman, “Axe” is married to Lara, played by Malin Akerman (Watchman, Children’s Hospital). who is just as tough and cunning and self-made as her husband. Chuck Rhodes SO is Wendy played by Lady Siff, err I mean Maggie Siff (Sons of Anarchy). Wendy as a twist is an in-house psychiatrist to Bobby Axelrod’s firm. Where all these millionaires come in to bitch about their first world problems and need to be coached up and amped up to do all their trading. As a first class psycologist you would think she would be intuned to her husband, who is a powerful man, and his need to be dominated right? Well, yes turns out she’s the one who was playing watersports with her hubby. See now you don’t have to root against Pal, because he is a cheater, it was his wife! Both characters are pretty good as well, I never had full “Tara” hate, mostly because it wasn’t her fault the way she was written. My big gripes have been the supporting characters.

This might be David Costabile’s (Wire, Breaking Bad, Suits) worst performance in a show, he’s a bit too over the top. He gets all those shitty lines like:

“If you see a short position like that again you grab it like it’s a horse cock and you’re Cathrine the great”
and
“We have to be more pure than the Virgin Mary before her first period.”

Who the fuck writes those lines? It up there with the dialogue choices of Heist “My motherfucker is so cool, when sheep go to be they count him.” The other characters are filled with one-dimensional caricatures in weird settings just to show its edgy-ness. Showtime truly is the Penthouse to HBO’s Playboy. You don’t get them for the writing, but know they will have some raunchy stuff just for the sake of having something raunchy. Water Sports,? Check, Lip Stick Lesbians? Check, a guy hinted to be attracted to midget dominatrix? Oh yeah that’s there too.

I’m not trying to scare you away from the show I like it, just don’t go in expecting Breaking Bad, Sopranos, Better Call Saul. This is a Showtime show so enjoy the first two seasons and hate watch the rest of what will soon become a ridiculous ride.

 

 

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Love Actually – The Balls Review

You are reading this because I am, again, a horrible gambler.

I am many things.  An idiot, a dipshit, and a moron are a few that come immediately to mind.  One thing I pride myself on, however, is being a man of my word.  So it is that I plunked down $3.99 to rent the HD version of Love Actually and spent my Martin Luther King holiday watching it for you, the beloved readership of DFO and BBM. I hope you enjoy it.  May God have mercy on my soul.

I have a choice of a 24 hour rental on HD for $3.99 and 24 hours on SD for $2.99.  I heard there are naked breasts in this, so I’m springing the extra buck just for that.  This is how much I care about you!

I am properly prepared:

I’m starting off with the Crown Royal Maple in honor of Scotchy. If he can sit through those Hallmark Channel movies for us, this is the least I can do for him.

Hey, it’s rated R! This may be better than I initially thought!  It was made by Studio Canal.  FANCY!

Ok, we start off with shots of people greeting other people at the airport.  There is a voiceover by Hugh Grant and he mentions something about 9-11.  Shit, this movie was made after 2001?   Damn, time flies.  DRINK.

The first story is introduced and it features an old singer and his manager.  The swearing is top notch.  I’d forgotten about the swearing.  Fuck the censored versions on basic cable!

BTW, the backup singers are one black guy and two white blonde girls.  The suspension of disbelief has started early.

5 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS

Mr. Darcy from Bridget Jones is getting ready to leave his flat where he is with the girl he loves.  We know this because he tells her this repeatedly.

Taken Dad (Liam Neeson, who shall be referred from now on as Taken Dad) is calling Emma Thompson.

“Bugger off” is an excellent phrase and should be used more often.

Goofy sandwich guy has the hots for Hot Bitch Secretary (HBS) and tries to flirt with her but she blows him off.

John Watson is dry humping a co-worker on a movie (Porn?) set.

Creepy Stalker Guy (CSG) is introduced as he and Keira Knightley’s (KK) black fiance reminisce about the bachelor party.  CSG actually got male prostitutes for the bachelor party!  This should have been a sign.  The bachelor is a moron for still being friends with him.

Prime Minister Hugh Grant (PMHG) arrives at 10 Downing Street and promptly kisses his Chief of Staff.  He also says “Fuck” to Natalie, who desperately wants to.  Again, the swearing is top notch.  No one does swearing like Hugh Grant.  It’s so unexpected yet so effective.

Marriage vows for KK and husband.  HA!

Who is the guy singing “All I need is Love” in the church and why is everyone playing instruments?  Does the Church of England permit this kind of thing?  Do you have to pay extra for that?  DRINK.

Mr. Darcy comes home early and, yeah, you guessed it, he walks in to find his brother in the apartment and his girl saying, “Hurry up, big boy! I want you inside me at least twice before Jamie gets home.”

He no longer loves her. I may have a black heart, but that’s a pretty fucked up thing to SAY, let alone HEAR.

The coincidences in this damn movie are too difficult to keep track of.  Sandwich boy is now working for the catering company at KK’s wedding.  His pickup line to a wedding guest:  “Taste explosion?”   She says no, but smiles.  Quite frankly, I’m shocked that didn’t work.  I may try that in real life.

He then proceeds to insult the cook by inadvertedly saying the food is crap (because he doesn’t know she’s the cook and how the fuck do you not know who the cook is if you are the wait staff and ok I’ll shut up now and have another drink.)

Sandwich/Caterer boy blames his difficulties on English girls.  Being a douche has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Best lines of the film so far:  “Colin, you’re a lonely ugly arsehole.  You must accept it!”   “Never!”

In case it’s not clear, Colin is Sandwich/Caterer boy.  Oh shit!  My pen fell in the whisky!  /licks pen

Whoa!  We’ve got porn stand-in tits!  I have to say, it’s considerate of John to warm up his hands before cupping them.

Taken Dad is doing the eulogy for his dead wife.  Ugh.  He mentions Claudia Schiffer in the eulogy.  WTF?

Now the Bay City Rollers are playing and there is a slideshow in the background and that’s just a horrible idea for a funeral.

Bye Bye Baby is playing both at the funeral and at the wedding and if that’s not a symbolic segue, I don’t know what is.

A random redhead at the wedding asks CSG if he loves the groom.  Because, you know, he’s been all stalkery and creepy and filming the wedding and reception all day and she can tell.

The DJ is wearing a Mötorhead t-shirt.  At a wedding.

Alan Motherfucking Rickman (AR) finally shows up!  He is the boss of HBS that blew off Colin Sandwich Boy and also gay-love-promoter/random redhead at the wedding, Sarah.

He asks Sarah how long she has been with the company and follows that up by asking her how long she has been in love with the “enigmatic chief designer” Carl.  Unprofessional much?

You know, the alcohol is helping greatly.

Everyone in the office knows Sarah wants to jump Carl’s bones, including Carl himself.  AR just told Sarah to invite Carl for a drink and tell him she wants to marry him and have sex and babies and the reason is because it’s Christmas!?!?

I wish I was a sexual harassment lawyer in London.  I would make a killing.

Peepee break.  How the fuck am I only 20 minutes in?

Billy Rock Star has no one to love at Christmas.  Awww.  Also, Britney Spears was a rubbish shag.  This we learn during his interview with Radio Watford.

For those of you not aware:  Snog=Make Out.  Shag=Have Sex

Uncle Billy is the best.  He is my favorite character by far.

4 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS

PMHG is prepping for a meeting with the US president.  He exclaims during a packed cabinet meeting, “Who do I have to screw to get a biscuit and a cup of hot chocolate around here?”   Natalie, on cue, arrives.

Porn stand-ins are naked.  She is riding John Watson cowgirl style and they are discussing the Prime Minister.  Another brilliant segue.

This is a real pleasure.  It’s lovely to find someone you can have a chat with.” – John Watson with Judy’s nipples 12″ away from his face.

He bumps his head on her breast and apologizes.  So British.   I’m sure that’s where our Canadian friends got it from.

Colin got a ticket to go to “a fantastic place called Wisconsin!”  Oh Colin.  Poor ugly lonely arsehole.

I don’t know who the actress is that plays Hot Bitch Secretary (HBS), but she is playing that role well.  I could feel the hate fuck coming through the screen.

AR is planning the Christmas party with HBS and they are allowing husbands, wives, girlfriends, and boyfriends, but no kids.  Good solid party planning right there.  AR asks HBS, “You haven’t got some 6 foot tight-t-shirt-wearing boyfriend you’re going to be bringing, do you?”  Only Alan Rickman could pull that sentence off.

She replies, “No, I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe waiting to be kissed.”   She could have also gone with, “Do me right on your desk.  I don’t care if the whole office sees.”

Taken Dad and Emma Thompson appear to be brother and sister as she is over at his place and they are discussing his son.  This may be a minor quibble, but who the fuck hangs pictures from a second floor overhang over a stairway?  It’s impossible to get to and the likelihood of the picture falling on someone’s head is pretty high.  Sorry, I’m in construction, I notice these things.

Emma counsels Taken Dad, “No one will shag you if you cry all the time.”  This is true.

Taken Dad has a talk with his son.  The son has not been acting weird because of his mother dying, it’s because he’s “in love”.  He is ten years old and incredibly stupid.

I need a refill.  DRINK.  BTW, we have now moved on to Bourbon.  Maple Bourbon.

Sarah is working late, as is Carl.  She keeps getting interrupted by her phone.  This may become important later on, I feel.

Mr. Darcy has now gone to the countryside.  He declares himself “alone again.”  Fuck you.

PMHG wants to know more about Natalie and asks her.  She is living with her Mum n Dad after just breaking up with a boyfriend.  Apparently, either the ex or the dad thinks she is fat.  They’re both wrong.  PMHG offers to have the ex killed.  If that is not love, I don’t know what is.

Margaret Thatcher was a saucy minx.

Taken Dad is trying to resolve his son’s love life to make him forget about the dead mother.

Billy is doing a TV interview.

Uncle Billy is the best.

3 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS

Naked men butts are art, not funny.  We know this because CSG works at an “art” gallery.  Figures.

KK’s wedding photographer did a shit job, so she needs to see the stuff that CSG took with his camera.  Mötorhead DJ?  Shit photographer?  Why didn’t you just elope instead?

AR asks HBS how the Christmas party planning is going.  She thinks she has found the perfect place.  It’s an art gallery where CSG works (of course he does and of course he’s her friend!) and she describes it to AR as “full of dark corners for doing bad deeds.

And then she spreads her legs.

Well, I suppose I should take a look at it.

You should.”

Alan Rickman was awesome.

Mr. Darcy has a french country house where he goes to write.  FANCY!

He meets the new housekeeper, who is Portuguese.  He tries to be nice by saying “Bonjourno”, which is fucked up Italian, and “Eusebio”, who is a famous Portuguese soccer player.  If this movie was made now (God forbid!), he would say “Ronaldo”.  He would still be a massive dork.

POTUS Billy Bob Thornton comes to town.  Pervy Prez makes a comment about Natalie as he and PMHG are walking through 10 Downing Street.  Then he tries to come on to her as PMHG is getting a paper.  He walks in before anything anything, but is miffed.  He later gets him back by saying that the UK and the US have a “bad” relationship and a bunch of stuff that stirs up British pride.  Yes, this actually happens.  DRINK.

Wait, I think I may have gotten it wrong.  Apparently, Emma Thompson is the Prime Minister’s sister.  And AR is her husband.  So, how the fuck are she and Taken Dad connected?

Oh No.  PMHG is dancing to Jump by the Pointer Sisters.  FINISH DRINK.

2 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS

Mr. Darcy writes by typewriter on a porch overlooking a lake.  Wasn’t this movie set post-9-11?   The housekeeper bring something, bumps him, a gust of wind comes up, and the pages go flying off into the lake.  The logical response, of course, is for the housekeeper to strip down to her bra and panties and go after them.  Of course it is.

Nice blue undies!  He jumps in after her and they bond.  This is love people!  This is how it works!  Pay attention!

I am 48 minutes in and there is still an hour and a half left.  I may not make it.

I need more alcohol.  The amount I’ve consumed can’t quell my cynic heart that cringes when two of the characters walk away from each other and each looks back at different times.  Fuck you, romcoms.  Fuck you for life.

 We are back to CSG’s apartment and KK shows up offering pie.

He somehow declines.  She barges in looking for the video of her wedding and makes a point of telling him that she has noted that he has never warmed to her and that she would like change that.  She apologizes for her terrible taste in pie and wants to be friends.  Now who can say no to that?

She finds the video and pops it into the VCR (Seriously, this is POST 9-11?!?  I thought we were on DVD’s by then…).  It’s all extreme close-ups of her and her reaction is “I look pretty!”

Then it finally dawns on her that something is … weird.  She is dumb and stupid.  She fully deserves this idiot.

Presented for your consideration:

PMHG: “You know Natalie?

Female Chief of Staff: “The chubby girl?

PMHG: “Ooh we call her chubby?

Female Chief of Staff: “I think that’s a pretty sizable ass there, yes sir.  Huge size.

PMHG just requested for the Chief of Staff to “redistribute” Natalie.  This is British for changing her work assignment, but I like to think he meant it as a sexual innuendo.

Ten year old idiot’s girl obsession is going to America so she is clearly not the girl for him.  Taken Dad’s solution:  Let’s watch Titanic!  They re-enact the scene at the front of the ship and I’m ready to call Child Protective Services.

PMHG misses Chubby.

Mr. Darcy is returning to London and is dropping the housekeeper off.  Why does he drop her off in the middle of a road?  She kisses him on the lips.  We can’t blame Europe for that one.  She wants some of that French country home money.  Mr. Darcy, dazed by the kiss, promptly crashes his car.  Unfortunately, he is unhurt.

10 year old idiot has a plan.  He will join the band that will play at the big Christmas pageant because girls love guys in bands.  He is on his way to future douchedom.

Ooh!  Company Christmas party with AR and HBS!  Emma is noticing HBS coming on to her husband and starts drinking heavily.

Carl finally gets the balls to ask Sarah to dance.  The same horrible DJ from the wedding must have been hired to play this party because he literally does a record scratch segue from a fast song to a slow song.  AWKWARD!

Sarah smiles.  That won’t last long.  Carl is driving her home.  They kiss at the door.  He invites himself in.  She tells him to wait ten seconds before going upstairs so that she has enough time to hide the dildo with his face on the handle.  We don’t actually see the dildo, but trust me, it’s there.

Clothes are flying.  They are on the bed.  Carl is wearing some weird black boxer-brief/trunk/Euro-hybrid underwears that are really distracting until the bra comes off.  Of course, as soon as the bra comes off, the phone rings.  It’s Sarah’s brother.  She says she’s “not busy”.

Now, Carl may reveal himself to be a dick later, but the brother is a major cockblocker here and Sarah is not helping the situation.  “Not busy” while you’re topless and on top of a man in black underpants is not the correct thing to say.

Meanwhile,

That 5-10 second scene was only there to show her in her underwear.  That’s it.  No dialogue was spoken.  This is moviemaking at its finest.

Sarah is now with her mentally-ill brother and he tries to injure her.  No bueno.

HBS is on the phone with AR and is basically sticking her pussy in his face.  It’s wonderful.  He is shopping and she wants him to buy her something pretty.

Mr. Bean is working the jewelry counter!  And he speaks!  Wait, ₤270 for a necklace?  Fuck!  I don’t care how many cinnamon sticks you throw into the bag, Mr. Bean, that shit’s not worth ₤270!

Ok, give me two.  Damn.

1 WEEK TO CHRISTMAS

 John Watson awkwardly asks out Judy Porn Stand-in for a Christmas drink while she is simulating a Christmas blowjob.  She says yes.

Colin arrives in America and asks the cabbie that picks him at the Milwaukee airport (not Madison?  Was there a super sale on flights from Heathrow to Milwaukee?  Did he go through O’hare?  JFK?) to take him to a regular American bar.

He meets these two:

To quote Cuntler, “That movie is such bullshit.  There are no beautiful women in Milwaukee.”

This next scene (and really this whole story-line) came straight out of a Penthouse Forum letter.  Colin will crash with the girls he meets at the bar and they are poor and can only afford one bed and no sofa and no pajamas so they all sleep naked.  Oh wait, there’s a 4th girl he hasn’t met yet and she’s the “sexy” one!  Of course she is.

0 WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS

Emma just discovered the necklace was not for her.  She had snooped, of course, and found the necklace in AR’s jacket.  Come present-opening time, she gets a Joni Mitchell CD.  Pro-tip:  Never snoop unless you are mentally prepared for what you may find out.

46 minutes left.  To tell you the truth, HBS is keeping me going here.  The alcohol has helped too.  Speaking of, Refill time!

10 year old idiot is becoming 10 year old smartass.  He asks Taken Dad about his love life.  Mind you, this is less than a month after they buried the mom to the tune of the Bay City Rollers!  Taken Dad tells him that he would bang Claudia Schiffer in 10 year old’s room.

Billy gets an invite to a party from Elton John as his crap song hits #1.  That may be the deepest most incisive social commentary this movie has made.

Awww, how cute!  Porn stand-ins are shy!  She says, “All I want for Christmas is you” to John Watson at the end of the date.  He says “thank you”, jumps for joy, and walks away.  Funny, I thought he was in there.

Mr. Darcy arrives at his family’s house for Christmas and then promptly leaves to go to Portugal.  Ordinarily, I would say that the last minute flight cost must be a bitch, but Mr. Darcy has a french cottage with a full-time housekeeper, so I think he can afford it.  BTW, he leaves presents with his nephews and nieces, but they all yell at him and tell him they hate him.  That’s fucking gratitude for you!

Sarah is working late.  Carl too.   I’m eagerly awaiting the sex on the conference room scene.  I mean, obviously no one at this company has ever been to a sexual harassment seminar, so you might as well fuck away.  I know HBS would.

Carl wishes Sarah a Merry Christmas and leaves.  Sarah starts crying.  That doesn’t seem very merry to me.  Later, Sarah visits her mentally ill brother and he hugs her instead of physically assaulting her, so that’s progress, I guess.

Oh. No.  Here is the infamous cue card scene.  BTW, KK needs to eat a burger.  She’s skinny AF.  I’m going to FJM this:

“With any luck, by next year”

You’ll be divorced

“I’ll be going out with some of these girls…”

That look creepily like you

“But for now, let me say”

Can I lick your nipples?

“Without hope or agenda”

Fuck hope.  Hope blows.

“Just because It’s Christmas”

And police are really busy and don’t respond as quickly

“(And at Christmas, you tell the truth)”

When the fuck was this agreed on? I lie my ass off at Christmas! ‘Santa got you that because you were nice.’ No, he didn’t.  You weren’t nice.

“To me, you are perfect”

As a rug in my apartment.  You’ll really tie the room together.

“and my wasted heart will love you”

Wasted is a good word choice, actually.

“until you look like this…”

I’m expecting a cadaver with maggots.  Holy shit!  It’s a mummy!  I was close!  Of course, KK thinks it’s funny and laughs.

“Merry Christmas”

She mouths the words “Merry Christmas” and he gives her two thumbs up.  I personally would have gone with fingergunz, but that’s just me.  He turns and walks away down the street, but she runs after him and gives him a kiss on the lips.

Don’t ask me how I know, but that marriage is doomed.

 It looks like we’re starting to wrap up stories.  Billy comes back to spend Christmas with his manager, who he loves.  BTW, the English have no qualms about calling people fat.  Gotta admire that.  I’m disappointed that we’re not going to see more of those two.

Natalie sent a Christmas card to PMHG in which she, IN WRITING, tells him how she feels.  They may not have any sexual harassment laws in England.  PMHG remembers that she lives in the shitty part of town and asks for a car and driver to get him there.  He somehow knows the street, but not the exact number.  And he apparently can’t get that information. Even though he’s the Prime Fucking Minister.

Anyway, the Pointer Sister play again as he is going door to door looking for Natalie.  I hope they got a large royalty check.  BTW, HBS lives next door to Natalie.  What are the odds?  In this movie, even money.

Holy shit, I’ve got 30 minutes to go!  Shit break.

Natalie swears up a storm. Just like PMHG likes it.  The Dad calls Natalie “Plumpy”.  Wow.  Natalie has to take the kids to the pageant and PMHG offers to take her in his car.  One of the little kids manages to go with them and sits in between them.

Moose will be happy to know that the kid is wearing an octopus costume for the Christmas pageant.  Yes, that makes as much sense as one of Moose’s gifs.

Porn Stand-in Couple are attending the pageant for their second date because doesn’t everyone go to children’s activities on their second date?  I mean, if that doesn’t guarantee sex on the third date, I don’t know what does.

Emma sees PMHG in the back halls even though he and Natalie are trying to keep a low profile.  She tells Natalie that she would have been just his type 20 years ago.  I’m not sure if that means PMHG is a pedo or if she thinks he is too old for her.  The latter?  Maybe.

Natalie tells him in front of Emma not to try anything just because it’s Christmas.  This movie treats that as a valid excuse for anything.  Like, hey, I grabbed your ass, but hey, it’s Christmas!

That’s the ugliest baby Jesus I’ve ever seen.  That thing looks like E.T.

10 year old idiot’s girl crush is singing and he is playing drums.  Meanwhile, backstage, PMHG and Natalie are getting closer and closer, the music is swelling and they’re going to kiss aren’t they?  Of course they are.  What fucking movie do you think we’re watching?  Of course, as soon as they kiss, the curtain rolls up and everyone sees them.  Everyone applauds because the PM is kissing the local girl and that’s something to be proud of, apparently.

The performance is over and Emma confronts AR about the necklace. Predictably, he caves.  I’m sorry, but if you’ve got

waiting to jump your bones, the choice is clear.

Taken Dad congratulates 10 year old idiot, but the girl’s flight is leaving and so Taken Dad hatches a plan to get him to the airport so that he can declare his love for her before she leaves.  Ugh.

He then bumps into a Claudia-Schiffer look-alike (played by Claudia Schiffer) that is the single mom of some kid in the pageant and Jesus fuck, really?  Now, the music is really SWELLING and the big scenes are coming up.

Mr. Darcy goes to ask the housekeeper to marry him in order to save on house cleaning expenses.  Those french cottages don’t pay for themselves, you know?

Taken Dad is now actually encouraging 10 year old idiot to run by security to find the girl.  Well, at least the kid will be taken (seewhatididthere?) away from him by the courts.

The whole Portuguese town where the housekeeper lives is following Mr. Darcy as he heads to the restaurant where she works when she is not housekeeping.

10 year old idiot gets a kiss from the girl and is released by the authorities to his dad who is waiting outside.  He’s lucky he’s white.

11 minutes left.  I can do this!

Mr. Darcy proposes to the housekeeper in the crowded restaurant as everyone STFU and lets him speak.

I love how “It’s Christmas” makes everything ok.  It’s the new “I was drunk.”

She says “Sim”  They kiss.  Apparently, all Portuguese kiss in the mouth as the housekeeper’s sister and dad both kiss Mr. Darcy on the lips.

ONE MONTH LATER

So, roughly about the time you are reading this.  We are back at the airport.

Billy arrives after a successful (?) tour/gig.  We know it’s successful because he is wearing a fur coat.

I’m confused again.  How does Mr. Darcy know KK and her black husband?  He has arrived with free house cleaning and they all hug.

CSG has tagged along, so nothing has apparently changed.  I wonder if he and KK are boning yet.  The housekeeper makes a joke about how CSG is handsome and that she picked the wrong Englishman.  You better watch out, Mr. Darcy, CSG’s specialty is married women.

AR comes back from a trip.  Emma and the kids greet him and she gives him the coldest welcome back kiss ever and when he asks how she is, she tells him, “I’m fine.”   As we all know, any time a woman tells you that, that means she is not fine.

I hope AR banged HBS because otherwise why the fuck put up with this shit?  Just get a divorce already!

Taken Dad and Claudia Schiffer are apparently an item now as they accompany 10 year old idiot to meet the girl crush that has returned from America.  Funny, 10 year old idiot doesn’t seem to care that Taken Dad banged Claudia Schiffer in his room the night before while he was on a play date.

Porn Stand-in Couple is either married or engaged as she is sporting a big ass ring.  Shit, I didn’t know Porn Stand-In work paid that well!  I am extremely PISSED that they did not get more screen time.

They are apparently friends with Colin’s black friend who is waiting for Colin to return.  BTW, I have no idea what Porn Stand-in couple is doing at the arrivals area as they just literally said Hi and Bye to Colin’s black friend.

The Penthouse Forum letter continues as Colin has returned with a Texas brunette (I can tell she is Texan because she is wearing a cowboy hat and speaks in a shitty accent.) that has a blonde friend that is VERY friendly and kisses Colin’s black friend immediately upon meeting him.  Repeatedly.

PMHG returns and Natalie jumps into his arms.  He does not fall back, so clearly she is not fat.

The music swells once more and we start a collage of random people hugging and kissing at the airport that turns into a heart at The End.

I MADE IT!!!

I have to say, the nudity and swearing really made this tolerable.  I can’t imagine watching this on network or basic cable.

I’d like to thank Uncle Billy, Porn Stand-in Couple, and HBS/AR for making this viewing possible. I’d also like to thank the sweet sweet alcohol.  I didn’t tell you at Christmas, but I have to tell you now, “I love you, alcohol.  I truly do.”

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Rest In Peace, Alan Rickman.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a shitty, shitty few weeks for celebrity deaths. Lemmy Kilmister at the end of December. David Bowie on Monday. And now this. I’m seriously contemplating just staying in bed for the rest of the year so that no more important people will die during the night. If I don’t wake up from hibernation, we can’t lose anyone else.

Facetiousness aside, it really was a blow to learn of Alan Rickman’s passing when I woke up this morning; despite the fact it was already fairly well-known that he had been battling cancer, his passing seems to have hit a lot of us really hard, myself included. It’s a rare occurrence to see someone who is mourned across all generations; rarer still to see two of them – Bowie and Rickman – pass in the same week.

Whatever your own personal tastes in film, theatre, etc., there was something there to satisfy each and every one of us. He was an absolute icon as villain Hans Gruber, so much so to the point where I feel like the favourite holiday movie of this site’s regular readership is Die Hard. As an admitted Harry Potter fan, I found him probably the overall strongest actor through eight films in his portrayal of Potions professor Severus Snape. He absolutely chewed the scenery as the deranged Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves… this is one of my favourite sequences from the whole thing below, and he walks a perfect line between frustration & anger and outright lunacy.

He was also well-known for his comedic performance of the archangel Metatron in Dogma, which I haven’t seen despite having owned for a number of years… I’ll be sitting down to watch that this weekend, I think. Plus there’s the Emmy and SAG Award for his portrayal of Rasputin, and all the stuff from the ’80s that he did with the BBC before he became globally famous, which my actor friends and acquaintances tell me is wonderful. Looks like I’ll have to track down some things on the internet to see for myself.

All in all, though, there’s not much to say. Cancer is just a horrible disease, and it’s awful to think that it’s taken so many people who matter to us in recent times. By all accounts, Alan Rickman was truly a good man, both in work and in life, avoiding controversy that so often comes with life under the microscope. With the success stories you hear about people beating cancer, it’s sometimes difficult to remember that it does not discriminate. Bad, good, old, young, rich, poor – cancer doesn’t care. It’s a gigantic asshole that I desperately hope can be unravelled in the near future, because nobody in life deserves to have the will to live dragged slowly out of them, one breath at a time, over a long and protracted period.

I have no doubt at all that Alan Rickman still had so much yet that he could have offered us, both as an actor and as a human being, so it is truly a shame to see all that possibility cut short. I’m so grateful for everything he’s done to bring me entertainment, and I hope that he’ll continue to garner the respect he so rightfully deserves even after having passed.

So thank you, Mr. Rickman. You were one of the best ever.

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Episode 2.

Have at it kids!

The surgery went fine. The first week it was really tough moving around and doing the same thing, but I’m feeling a lot better now. It’s the best I’ve felt since the season. And by that we meant they went to Thailand and rented a speedboat. After bumbling around for a week in what we expect was a hilarious buddy comedy type way, they accidentally landed in Vietnam. Unsurprisingly, no one wanted to pony up 10 Gs cheap jerseys for a couple of jobless retards, so they wound up spending 44 weeks in Vietnamese jail. “Unfortunately I can’t read the mind of the coaches,” he says. “If I could get some Marvel style talents then I would but I’m not concerned about the speculation. I’ve played a number of positions for Sarries. Those who don’t trust banks also turn to prepaid cards. However it’s important to keep in mind that prepaid cards can leave you more vulnerable to fraud. Regulators are now trying to change this.. A $US1billion payout is said to be imminent.Blues coach John Kirwan cheap nhl jerseys later said he had had a conversation with Ellison around the same topic, saying those wishing to mirror rugby techniques in the NFL focused on keeping their feet on the ground and getting close to a player before making a tackle, rather than “flying in”.Rhett Ellison said he was proud of his connection to the All Blacks and learned about it last year when he was in New Zealand. “What’s been cool is learning that history and trying to connect with it as much as possible,” he said.He will start training again with the Vikings next week after having ankle surgery over the off season, which, compared to rugby is considerable. “Officially we don’t start until the end of April. A boy in Texas stole his father’s identity, obtained a credit card, and took his friends on a whirlwind shopping spree of video games, electronic gadgets and two $1,000 an hour hookers. It might not have been enough to hook the media if it weren’t for an additional to good to be true detail: he didn’t hire them for a night of wild sex. He only needed someone to play some Halo with him.. As with every one of his other books, she was the first editor of Whistler.sometimes more than she should but she reads the first draft with a cheap nfl jerseys red pen and there no shortage of cheap jerseys wholesale opinions. We go through that process every year, Grisham said. She always says that I don know how to write a good female strong female character. But where the Coen Brothers were creating a unique and Replica Oakleys distinct look, other directors have realized these colors are a no cost way to create atmosphere without, you know, having to write a good script or Cheap NFL Jerseys hire competent actors. These colors replica oakleys are a visual shorthand for various emotions and ideas (yellows seem hotter, blue makes a scene seem lit by spooky moonlight, washed out grays are depressing). In other words: It’s just laziness..

How Making a Murderer Made Me Appreciate Modern Family

Making a Murderer is heavy. The case centers around a man innocently accused of rape and attempted murder in 1985. He had some earlier run ins with the law and even ran his cousin off the road one night after she was going around spreading rumors about him jerking off outside in the middle of the day. He then threatens his cousin with an unloaded gun. Now his cousin is married to a Sheriff officer.

Sometime in 1985 a rich, upstanding resident is sexually assaulted by a young bearded man. The woman who takes the victims statement and description of her assailant was  Steven Avery’s cousins BFF who said to the victim “That sounds like Steven Avery”. The police make a composite drawing based on an older mugshot of Avery and ask the victim if this is the man who attacked her and she said yes. So they arrest Steven Avery, a 19 yr old with an IQ below average.

So the police don’t interview anyone else and during times seem to go out of there way to neglect any and all information that someone else did do this… oh like the victim saying she remember the attacker had brown eyes and Avery has blue eyes. Or that Steven Avery was with his wife, children, and family members the whole time the attack was taking place. So Avery is found guilty and spends 18 years in prison. Losing appeal after appeal because there was no new evidence just people trying to claim there was wrong doing.  Then DNA evidence catches up and actually proves that Avery was innocent and he is soon set free.

That is it. He is set free in 2002 and everything is great he is suing the police department because he was basically mistreated. Now I am sure you are asking yourself “Duchess you pretty much ruined the series why no spoiler tags?”

Well that is the funny part because that story that would make a great movie in its own right was just the first episode. What follows through out the next nine episodes is a journey down the rabbit hole of shoddy police work, the coercion of a 16 yr old kid with a lower IQ than Steven Avery for over 4 hours without a parent or lawyer, evidence tampering, multiple witnesses lying and inconsistent. It is a wild ride that will leave you twisted and mixed up about our legal system.

This show is amazing on level with taking a straight shot of rot gut whiskey and you need to have a chaser on hand. I watched the first 4 episodes last night and after the end of them you are left numb and punched in the gut. My chaser was an episode of Modern Family. As much as we like to joke it is sappy and dumbed down it was exactly what I needed to cleanse my pallet.  If you do decide to watch this series I recommend you follow it up with the following shows:

Chill out with some cartoons like: Teen Titans Go, Reruns of Archer, the Simpsons, and if you can find it Frisky Dingo

TV shows to watch: Old episodes of Cheers, Modern Family… let the stupidity get your blood boiling and think about all its flaws rather than the show you just watched. Hate watch Big Bang Theory for the same reason. Watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Don’t watch: Brooklyn Nine-Nine because frankly its a comedy with incompetent cops in it.

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R-rated reviews – Headhunters

It’s fucking cold.  I knew flip-flops were a bad idea.  Bill is already two beers in as I walk up the street sans sidewalk to Golden Road’s outdoor beer garden/pub in Atwater.  He’s just come back from his first mid-life crisis/two month sabbatical in Europe and I’m here to see what insights I can glean from the mind of a man that has clearly lost his marbles.

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[Door Flies Open]

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IASIP – Chardee MacDennis 2: Electric Boogaloo – Recap/Discussion

Holy shit! Ok, how do you improve on the world’s best game? Let alone one of the best comedies on television? The guys from Sunny just did with a wonderfully twisted season premiere that included everything from the next Chargers fan logo to Los Angeles cholo accents to a wonderful tribute to the Saw movies. I’m not big into recaps that tell you every single thing that happened. Instead, I’ll give you the main outline of the plot and some of my favorite moments/lines.

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You’re the Best: You’re The Worst

It may be of no surprise to y’all that I love the FXX show You’re The Worst.  To those of you that are not aware of this show’s existence, it just recently wrapped up Season 2 and has been given a new order for Season 3.  All of Season 2 is currently available (for the next month only) on the FXNow app for mobile, pc, and tablets while Season 1 is available on Hulu.
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