You are reading this because I am, again, a horrible gambler.
I am many things. An idiot, a dipshit, and a moron are a few that come immediately to mind. One thing I pride myself on, however, is being a man of my word. So it is that I plunked down $3.99 to rent the HD version of Love Actually and spent my Martin Luther King holiday watching it for you, the beloved readership of DFO and BBM. I hope you enjoy it. May God have mercy on my soul.
I have a choice of a 24 hour rental on HD for $3.99 and 24 hours on SD for $2.99. I heard there are naked breasts in this, so I’m springing the extra buck just for that. This is how much I care about you!
I am properly prepared:
I’m starting off with the Crown Royal Maple in honor of Scotchy. If he can sit through those Hallmark Channel movies for us, this is the least I can do for him.
Hey, it’s rated R! This may be better than I initially thought! It was made by Studio Canal. FANCY!
Ok, we start off with shots of people greeting other people at the airport. There is a voiceover by Hugh Grant and he mentions something about 9-11. Shit, this movie was made after 2001? Damn, time flies. DRINK.
The first story is introduced and it features an old singer and his manager. The swearing is top notch. I’d forgotten about the swearing. Fuck the censored versions on basic cable!
BTW, the backup singers are one black guy and two white blonde girls. The suspension of disbelief has started early.
5 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS
Mr. Darcy from Bridget Jones is getting ready to leave his flat where he is with the girl he loves. We know this because he tells her this repeatedly.
Taken Dad (Liam Neeson, who shall be referred from now on as Taken Dad) is calling Emma Thompson.
“Bugger off” is an excellent phrase and should be used more often.
Goofy sandwich guy has the hots for Hot Bitch Secretary (HBS) and tries to flirt with her but she blows him off.
John Watson is dry humping a co-worker on a movie (Porn?) set.
Creepy Stalker Guy (CSG) is introduced as he and Keira Knightley’s (KK) black fiance reminisce about the bachelor party. CSG actually got male prostitutes for the bachelor party! This should have been a sign. The bachelor is a moron for still being friends with him.
Prime Minister Hugh Grant (PMHG) arrives at 10 Downing Street and promptly kisses his Chief of Staff. He also says “Fuck” to Natalie, who desperately wants to. Again, the swearing is top notch. No one does swearing like Hugh Grant. It’s so unexpected yet so effective.
Marriage vows for KK and husband. HA!
Who is the guy singing “All I need is Love” in the church and why is everyone playing instruments? Does the Church of England permit this kind of thing? Do you have to pay extra for that? DRINK.
Mr. Darcy comes home early and, yeah, you guessed it, he walks in to find his brother in the apartment and his girl saying, “Hurry up, big boy! I want you inside me at least twice before Jamie gets home.”
He no longer loves her. I may have a black heart, but that’s a pretty fucked up thing to SAY, let alone HEAR.
The coincidences in this damn movie are too difficult to keep track of. Sandwich boy is now working for the catering company at KK’s wedding. His pickup line to a wedding guest: “Taste explosion?” She says no, but smiles. Quite frankly, I’m shocked that didn’t work. I may try that in real life.
He then proceeds to insult the cook by inadvertedly saying the food is crap (because he doesn’t know she’s the cook and how the fuck do you not know who the cook is if you are the wait staff and ok I’ll shut up now and have another drink.)
Sandwich/Caterer boy blames his difficulties on English girls. Being a douche has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Best lines of the film so far: “Colin, you’re a lonely ugly arsehole. You must accept it!” “Never!”
In case it’s not clear, Colin is Sandwich/Caterer boy. Oh shit! My pen fell in the whisky! /licks pen
Whoa! We’ve got porn stand-in tits! I have to say, it’s considerate of John to warm up his hands before cupping them.
Taken Dad is doing the eulogy for his dead wife. Ugh. He mentions Claudia Schiffer in the eulogy. WTF?
Now the Bay City Rollers are playing and there is a slideshow in the background and that’s just a horrible idea for a funeral.
Bye Bye Baby is playing both at the funeral and at the wedding and if that’s not a symbolic segue, I don’t know what is.
A random redhead at the wedding asks CSG if he loves the groom. Because, you know, he’s been all stalkery and creepy and filming the wedding and reception all day and she can tell.
The DJ is wearing a Mötorhead t-shirt. At a wedding.
Alan Motherfucking Rickman (AR) finally shows up! He is the boss of HBS that blew off Colin Sandwich Boy and also gay-love-promoter/random redhead at the wedding, Sarah.
He asks Sarah how long she has been with the company and follows that up by asking her how long she has been in love with the “enigmatic chief designer” Carl. Unprofessional much?
You know, the alcohol is helping greatly.
Everyone in the office knows Sarah wants to jump Carl’s bones, including Carl himself. AR just told Sarah to invite Carl for a drink and tell him she wants to marry him and have sex and babies and the reason is because it’s Christmas!?!?
I wish I was a sexual harassment lawyer in London. I would make a killing.
Peepee break. How the fuck am I only 20 minutes in?
Billy Rock Star has no one to love at Christmas. Awww. Also, Britney Spears was a rubbish shag. This we learn during his interview with Radio Watford.
For those of you not aware: Snog=Make Out. Shag=Have Sex
Uncle Billy is the best. He is my favorite character by far.
4 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS
PMHG is prepping for a meeting with the US president. He exclaims during a packed cabinet meeting, “Who do I have to screw to get a biscuit and a cup of hot chocolate around here?” Natalie, on cue, arrives.
Porn stand-ins are naked. She is riding John Watson cowgirl style and they are discussing the Prime Minister. Another brilliant segue.
“This is a real pleasure. It’s lovely to find someone you can have a chat with.” – John Watson with Judy’s nipples 12″ away from his face.
He bumps his head on her breast and apologizes. So British. I’m sure that’s where our Canadian friends got it from.
Colin got a ticket to go to “a fantastic place called Wisconsin!” Oh Colin. Poor ugly lonely arsehole.
I don’t know who the actress is that plays Hot Bitch Secretary (HBS), but she is playing that role well. I could feel the hate fuck coming through the screen.
AR is planning the Christmas party with HBS and they are allowing husbands, wives, girlfriends, and boyfriends, but no kids. Good solid party planning right there. AR asks HBS, “You haven’t got some 6 foot tight-t-shirt-wearing boyfriend you’re going to be bringing, do you?” Only Alan Rickman could pull that sentence off.
She replies, “No, I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe waiting to be kissed.” She could have also gone with, “Do me right on your desk. I don’t care if the whole office sees.”
Taken Dad and Emma Thompson appear to be brother and sister as she is over at his place and they are discussing his son. This may be a minor quibble, but who the fuck hangs pictures from a second floor overhang over a stairway? It’s impossible to get to and the likelihood of the picture falling on someone’s head is pretty high. Sorry, I’m in construction, I notice these things.
Emma counsels Taken Dad, “No one will shag you if you cry all the time.” This is true.
Taken Dad has a talk with his son. The son has not been acting weird because of his mother dying, it’s because he’s “in love”. He is ten years old and incredibly stupid.
I need a refill. DRINK. BTW, we have now moved on to Bourbon. Maple Bourbon.
Sarah is working late, as is Carl. She keeps getting interrupted by her phone. This may become important later on, I feel.
Mr. Darcy has now gone to the countryside. He declares himself “alone again.” Fuck you.
PMHG wants to know more about Natalie and asks her. She is living with her Mum n Dad after just breaking up with a boyfriend. Apparently, either the ex or the dad thinks she is fat. They’re both wrong. PMHG offers to have the ex killed. If that is not love, I don’t know what is.
Margaret Thatcher was a saucy minx.
Taken Dad is trying to resolve his son’s love life to make him forget about the dead mother.
Billy is doing a TV interview.
Uncle Billy is the best.
3 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS
Naked men butts are art, not funny. We know this because CSG works at an “art” gallery. Figures.
KK’s wedding photographer did a shit job, so she needs to see the stuff that CSG took with his camera. Mötorhead DJ? Shit photographer? Why didn’t you just elope instead?
AR asks HBS how the Christmas party planning is going. She thinks she has found the perfect place. It’s an art gallery where CSG works (of course he does and of course he’s her friend!) and she describes it to AR as “full of dark corners for doing bad deeds.“
And then she spreads her legs.
“Well, I suppose I should take a look at it.“
Alan Rickman was awesome.
Mr. Darcy has a french country house where he goes to write. FANCY!
He meets the new housekeeper, who is Portuguese. He tries to be nice by saying “Bonjourno”, which is fucked up Italian, and “Eusebio”, who is a famous Portuguese soccer player. If this movie was made now (God forbid!), he would say “Ronaldo”. He would still be a massive dork.
POTUS Billy Bob Thornton comes to town. Pervy Prez makes a comment about Natalie as he and PMHG are walking through 10 Downing Street. Then he tries to come on to her as PMHG is getting a paper. He walks in before anything anything, but is miffed. He later gets him back by saying that the UK and the US have a “bad” relationship and a bunch of stuff that stirs up British pride. Yes, this actually happens. DRINK.
Wait, I think I may have gotten it wrong. Apparently, Emma Thompson is the Prime Minister’s sister. And AR is her husband. So, how the fuck are she and Taken Dad connected?
Oh No. PMHG is dancing to Jump by the Pointer Sisters. FINISH DRINK.
2 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS
Mr. Darcy writes by typewriter on a porch overlooking a lake. Wasn’t this movie set post-9-11? The housekeeper bring something, bumps him, a gust of wind comes up, and the pages go flying off into the lake. The logical response, of course, is for the housekeeper to strip down to her bra and panties and go after them. Of course it is.
Nice blue undies! He jumps in after her and they bond. This is love people! This is how it works! Pay attention!
I am 48 minutes in and there is still an hour and a half left. I may not make it.
I need more alcohol. The amount I’ve consumed can’t quell my cynic heart that cringes when two of the characters walk away from each other and each looks back at different times. Fuck you, romcoms. Fuck you for life.
We are back to CSG’s apartment and KK shows up offering pie.
He somehow declines. She barges in looking for the video of her wedding and makes a point of telling him that she has noted that he has never warmed to her and that she would like change that. She apologizes for her terrible taste in pie and wants to be friends. Now who can say no to that?
She finds the video and pops it into the VCR (Seriously, this is POST 9-11?!? I thought we were on DVD’s by then…). It’s all extreme close-ups of her and her reaction is “I look pretty!”
Then it finally dawns on her that something is … weird. She is dumb and stupid. She fully deserves this idiot.
Presented for your consideration:
PMHG: “You know Natalie?“
Female Chief of Staff: “The chubby girl?“
PMHG: “Ooh we call her chubby?“
Female Chief of Staff: “I think that’s a pretty sizable ass there, yes sir. Huge size.“
PMHG just requested for the Chief of Staff to “redistribute” Natalie. This is British for changing her work assignment, but I like to think he meant it as a sexual innuendo.
Ten year old idiot’s girl obsession is going to America so she is clearly not the girl for him. Taken Dad’s solution: Let’s watch Titanic! They re-enact the scene at the front of the ship and I’m ready to call Child Protective Services.
PMHG misses Chubby.
Mr. Darcy is returning to London and is dropping the housekeeper off. Why does he drop her off in the middle of a road? She kisses him on the lips. We can’t blame Europe for that one. She wants some of that French country home money. Mr. Darcy, dazed by the kiss, promptly crashes his car. Unfortunately, he is unhurt.
10 year old idiot has a plan. He will join the band that will play at the big Christmas pageant because girls love guys in bands. He is on his way to future douchedom.
Ooh! Company Christmas party with AR and HBS! Emma is noticing HBS coming on to her husband and starts drinking heavily.
Carl finally gets the balls to ask Sarah to dance. The same horrible DJ from the wedding must have been hired to play this party because he literally does a record scratch segue from a fast song to a slow song. AWKWARD!
Sarah smiles. That won’t last long. Carl is driving her home. They kiss at the door. He invites himself in. She tells him to wait ten seconds before going upstairs so that she has enough time to hide the dildo with his face on the handle. We don’t actually see the dildo, but trust me, it’s there.
Clothes are flying. They are on the bed. Carl is wearing some weird black boxer-brief/trunk/Euro-hybrid underwears that are really distracting until the bra comes off. Of course, as soon as the bra comes off, the phone rings. It’s Sarah’s brother. She says she’s “not busy”.
Now, Carl may reveal himself to be a dick later, but the brother is a major cockblocker here and Sarah is not helping the situation. “Not busy” while you’re topless and on top of a man in black underpants is not the correct thing to say.
That 5-10 second scene was only there to show her in her underwear. That’s it. No dialogue was spoken. This is moviemaking at its finest.
Sarah is now with her mentally-ill brother and he tries to injure her. No bueno.
HBS is on the phone with AR and is basically sticking her pussy in his face. It’s wonderful. He is shopping and she wants him to buy her something pretty.
Mr. Bean is working the jewelry counter! And he speaks! Wait, ₤270 for a necklace? Fuck! I don’t care how many cinnamon sticks you throw into the bag, Mr. Bean, that shit’s not worth ₤270!
Ok, give me two. Damn.
1 WEEK TO CHRISTMAS
John Watson awkwardly asks out Judy Porn Stand-in for a Christmas drink while she is simulating a Christmas blowjob. She says yes.
Colin arrives in America and asks the cabbie that picks him at the Milwaukee airport (not Madison? Was there a super sale on flights from Heathrow to Milwaukee? Did he go through O’hare? JFK?) to take him to a regular American bar.
He meets these two:
To quote Cuntler, “That movie is such bullshit. There are no beautiful women in Milwaukee.”
This next scene (and really this whole story-line) came straight out of a Penthouse Forum letter. Colin will crash with the girls he meets at the bar and they are poor and can only afford one bed and no sofa and no pajamas so they all sleep naked. Oh wait, there’s a 4th girl he hasn’t met yet and she’s the “sexy” one! Of course she is.
0 WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS
Emma just discovered the necklace was not for her. She had snooped, of course, and found the necklace in AR’s jacket. Come present-opening time, she gets a Joni Mitchell CD. Pro-tip: Never snoop unless you are mentally prepared for what you may find out.
46 minutes left. To tell you the truth, HBS is keeping me going here. The alcohol has helped too. Speaking of, Refill time!
10 year old idiot is becoming 10 year old smartass. He asks Taken Dad about his love life. Mind you, this is less than a month after they buried the mom to the tune of the Bay City Rollers! Taken Dad tells him that he would bang Claudia Schiffer in 10 year old’s room.
Billy gets an invite to a party from Elton John as his crap song hits #1. That may be the deepest most incisive social commentary this movie has made.
Awww, how cute! Porn stand-ins are shy! She says, “All I want for Christmas is you” to John Watson at the end of the date. He says “thank you”, jumps for joy, and walks away. Funny, I thought he was in there.
Mr. Darcy arrives at his family’s house for Christmas and then promptly leaves to go to Portugal. Ordinarily, I would say that the last minute flight cost must be a bitch, but Mr. Darcy has a french cottage with a full-time housekeeper, so I think he can afford it. BTW, he leaves presents with his nephews and nieces, but they all yell at him and tell him they hate him. That’s fucking gratitude for you!
Sarah is working late. Carl too. I’m eagerly awaiting the sex on the conference room scene. I mean, obviously no one at this company has ever been to a sexual harassment seminar, so you might as well fuck away. I know HBS would.
Carl wishes Sarah a Merry Christmas and leaves. Sarah starts crying. That doesn’t seem very merry to me. Later, Sarah visits her mentally ill brother and he hugs her instead of physically assaulting her, so that’s progress, I guess.
Oh. No. Here is the infamous cue card scene. BTW, KK needs to eat a burger. She’s skinny AF. I’m going to FJM this:
“With any luck, by next year”
You’ll be divorced
“I’ll be going out with some of these girls…”
That look creepily like you
“But for now, let me say”
Can I lick your nipples?
“Without hope or agenda”
Fuck hope. Hope blows.
“Just because It’s Christmas”
And police are really busy and don’t respond as quickly
“(And at Christmas, you tell the truth)”
When the fuck was this agreed on? I lie my ass off at Christmas! ‘Santa got you that because you were nice.’ No, he didn’t. You weren’t nice.
“To me, you are perfect”
As a rug in my apartment. You’ll really tie the room together.
“and my wasted heart will love you”
Wasted is a good word choice, actually.
“until you look like this…”
I’m expecting a cadaver with maggots. Holy shit! It’s a mummy! I was close! Of course, KK thinks it’s funny and laughs.
She mouths the words “Merry Christmas” and he gives her two thumbs up. I personally would have gone with fingergunz, but that’s just me. He turns and walks away down the street, but she runs after him and gives him a kiss on the lips.
Don’t ask me how I know, but that marriage is doomed.
It looks like we’re starting to wrap up stories. Billy comes back to spend Christmas with his manager, who he loves. BTW, the English have no qualms about calling people fat. Gotta admire that. I’m disappointed that we’re not going to see more of those two.
Natalie sent a Christmas card to PMHG in which she, IN WRITING, tells him how she feels. They may not have any sexual harassment laws in England. PMHG remembers that she lives in the shitty part of town and asks for a car and driver to get him there. He somehow knows the street, but not the exact number. And he apparently can’t get that information. Even though he’s the Prime Fucking Minister.
Anyway, the Pointer Sister play again as he is going door to door looking for Natalie. I hope they got a large royalty check. BTW, HBS lives next door to Natalie. What are the odds? In this movie, even money.
Holy shit, I’ve got 30 minutes to go! Shit break.
Natalie swears up a storm. Just like PMHG likes it. The Dad calls Natalie “Plumpy”. Wow. Natalie has to take the kids to the pageant and PMHG offers to take her in his car. One of the little kids manages to go with them and sits in between them.
Moose will be happy to know that the kid is wearing an octopus costume for the Christmas pageant. Yes, that makes as much sense as one of Moose’s gifs.
Porn Stand-in Couple are attending the pageant for their second date because doesn’t everyone go to children’s activities on their second date? I mean, if that doesn’t guarantee sex on the third date, I don’t know what does.
Emma sees PMHG in the back halls even though he and Natalie are trying to keep a low profile. She tells Natalie that she would have been just his type 20 years ago. I’m not sure if that means PMHG is a pedo or if she thinks he is too old for her. The latter? Maybe.
Natalie tells him in front of Emma not to try anything just because it’s Christmas. This movie treats that as a valid excuse for anything. Like, hey, I grabbed your ass, but hey, it’s Christmas!
That’s the ugliest baby Jesus I’ve ever seen. That thing looks like E.T.
10 year old idiot’s girl crush is singing and he is playing drums. Meanwhile, backstage, PMHG and Natalie are getting closer and closer, the music is swelling and they’re going to kiss aren’t they? Of course they are. What fucking movie do you think we’re watching? Of course, as soon as they kiss, the curtain rolls up and everyone sees them. Everyone applauds because the PM is kissing the local girl and that’s something to be proud of, apparently.
The performance is over and Emma confronts AR about the necklace. Predictably, he caves. I’m sorry, but if you’ve got
waiting to jump your bones, the choice is clear.
Taken Dad congratulates 10 year old idiot, but the girl’s flight is leaving and so Taken Dad hatches a plan to get him to the airport so that he can declare his love for her before she leaves. Ugh.
He then bumps into a Claudia-Schiffer look-alike (played by Claudia Schiffer) that is the single mom of some kid in the pageant and Jesus fuck, really? Now, the music is really SWELLING and the big scenes are coming up.
Mr. Darcy goes to ask the housekeeper to marry him in order to save on house cleaning expenses. Those french cottages don’t pay for themselves, you know?
Taken Dad is now actually encouraging 10 year old idiot to run by security to find the girl. Well, at least the kid will be taken (seewhatididthere?) away from him by the courts.
The whole Portuguese town where the housekeeper lives is following Mr. Darcy as he heads to the restaurant where she works when she is not housekeeping.
10 year old idiot gets a kiss from the girl and is released by the authorities to his dad who is waiting outside. He’s lucky he’s white.
11 minutes left. I can do this!
Mr. Darcy proposes to the housekeeper in the crowded restaurant as everyone STFU and lets him speak.
I love how “It’s Christmas” makes everything ok. It’s the new “I was drunk.”
She says “Sim” They kiss. Apparently, all Portuguese kiss in the mouth as the housekeeper’s sister and dad both kiss Mr. Darcy on the lips.
ONE MONTH LATER
So, roughly about the time you are reading this. We are back at the airport.
Billy arrives after a successful (?) tour/gig. We know it’s successful because he is wearing a fur coat.
I’m confused again. How does Mr. Darcy know KK and her black husband? He has arrived with free house cleaning and they all hug.
CSG has tagged along, so nothing has apparently changed. I wonder if he and KK are boning yet. The housekeeper makes a joke about how CSG is handsome and that she picked the wrong Englishman. You better watch out, Mr. Darcy, CSG’s specialty is married women.
AR comes back from a trip. Emma and the kids greet him and she gives him the coldest welcome back kiss ever and when he asks how she is, she tells him, “I’m fine.” As we all know, any time a woman tells you that, that means she is not fine.
I hope AR banged HBS because otherwise why the fuck put up with this shit? Just get a divorce already!
Taken Dad and Claudia Schiffer are apparently an item now as they accompany 10 year old idiot to meet the girl crush that has returned from America. Funny, 10 year old idiot doesn’t seem to care that Taken Dad banged Claudia Schiffer in his room the night before while he was on a play date.
Porn Stand-in Couple is either married or engaged as she is sporting a big ass ring. Shit, I didn’t know Porn Stand-In work paid that well! I am extremely PISSED that they did not get more screen time.
They are apparently friends with Colin’s black friend who is waiting for Colin to return. BTW, I have no idea what Porn Stand-in couple is doing at the arrivals area as they just literally said Hi and Bye to Colin’s black friend.
The Penthouse Forum letter continues as Colin has returned with a Texas brunette (I can tell she is Texan because she is wearing a cowboy hat and speaks in a shitty accent.) that has a blonde friend that is VERY friendly and kisses Colin’s black friend immediately upon meeting him. Repeatedly.
PMHG returns and Natalie jumps into his arms. He does not fall back, so clearly she is not fat.
The music swells once more and we start a collage of random people hugging and kissing at the airport that turns into a heart at The End.
I MADE IT!!!
I have to say, the nudity and swearing really made this tolerable. I can’t imagine watching this on network or basic cable.
I’d like to thank Uncle Billy, Porn Stand-in Couple, and HBS/AR for making this viewing possible. I’d also like to thank the sweet sweet alcohol. I didn’t tell you at Christmas, but I have to tell you now, “I love you, alcohol. I truly do.”
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